Hostel

hostel

So, Because I’ve been away for ages and no one cares about me anymore, I’m thinking, “How do i get back in with the nobodies that still, for some reason, follow me?” Then it hit me! What is the world screaming out for? A film podcast! it’s not like there’s a billion of those around already is there!?

I’m a genius however, so a plan soon came to me like Jesus with a crowbar, let’s narrow this down a bit hey, What’s the least podcasted about genre in all of film? I thought and I thought and I thought until my pretty little head nearly exploded. Then the answer came to me in a fever dream like Mohammed himself scimitared my very own face off! Gay Porn!

Nobody’s podcasting about the gay porn scene! So there I was watching “Euro Boy” vol: 1 to 87, Becoming a connoisseur of the actor Chris Ass, and accidentally witnessing men shitting in other men’s mouths. That’s dedication. But, It wasn’t right. There just wasn’t enough meat on this bone. That isn’t a gay pun. I mean I just didn’t think there was enough to gay porn to be able to do a podcast about.

But then it hit me, in a nightmare, like Buddha chainsawing my legs off. Horror! Nobody podcasts about horror! Well, A lot of people are podcasting about horror, as in, horror films are probably the most podcasted thing around ever, but hey ho, I’m going to do it differently, I’m going to be the bestest horror podcaster around!

So I managed to find a co-host/guest called CakeDad009 who had a gargantuan 3 followers on twitter, and also had tattoos of various horror characters up his arms that he’ll hopefully regret having when he grows up even though he’s 36. We were all set! He recommended that we watch the 2005 Euro-sceptic thriller “Hostel” for the first show, I said why not and we had it synced up and ready to go before you could say “Vishnu with a bazooka.”

I think it was about 45 minutes in that I shut off the “film” Hostel, ended the correspondence with CakeDad009, and cut all ties with him before ultimately retiring from horror podcasting all together.

I’m now researching extreme lesbian pornography. It’s taking longer than the gay man action version for various reasons, and the mouth shitting isn’t quite as disturbing.

Hostel is the worst film I’ve ever seen. Cheers!

0/10

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