The Walking Dead: A Hardcore Parody (2013)

Directors: Joanna Angel, Tommy Pistol

Stars: Joanna Angel, Tommy Pistol, Tommy Gunn

A XXX parody based on the 2010 horror TV series, The Walking Dead.

There’s two things that I can tell you straight away that I’m no expert on. The first thing is hardcore pornographic parodies, I just have no interest. When it comes to the comedy aspect, porn directors are hardly Oscar Wilde, and when it comes to the sex aspect, they’re a bit tame for me because there’s rarely a transexual midget in sight. At least a few years ago these films would have something close to an amusing pun based title, but now it’s just the exact same title they’re parodying, followed by the fact that it’s a parody. What I’m basically saying is that it’s the worst of both worlds and if I want to laugh, I’ll watch a proper comedy, and if I want to… well, you get the idea.

The second thing I’m not an expert on is “The Walking Dead”. I did enjoy the first series, but dipped in and out after that until I totally gave up when they were in that prison and the melodrama was making me feel more queezy than the gore. I’m going to stop talking about this however in case all you rabid fans out there get angry and ravage me like the zombies you so adore. So with that said, this is the second zombie based horror/porn film I’ve decided to review after the God awful “Porno Holocaust“. Why I do this to myself I just don’t know. Don’t worry by the way, I won’t be showing pictures of fannies and knockers in this review, that’s for my eyes only you’ll be glad to know. Oh look, there’s a disclaimer at the start, let’s see what it says…

The disclaimer… Yeah, I couldn’t be bothered typing it out.

Got that? So basically what they’re saying is that the similarity between the characters in this and the original Walking Dead series is just a massive coincidence. So what’s all this talk of depicting minors and such, I mean surely they’re not going to have a sex scene including say, Carl and Sophia are they? Are they?

So after the horrifically cheap looking opening title sequence, we join some guy called Rick laying in a hospital bed (Look, I understand you know the drill, but you’ll have to bare with me). He’s having a dream about being shot because the budget wouldn’t stretch as far as parodying the actual scene, you know? Where he gets shot. Like, we can hear it, but we can’t see it and it’s pretty worrying when you’re disgusted by acting that you can’t actually see. Anyway, he wakes up and calls for a nurse, but it seems he’s alone blah blah, he comes to some padlocked double doors with a load of zombies inside. Suddenly, a female zombie pounces on him from behind and immediately starts giving him fellatio until he eventually ejaculates in her mouth which seems to somehow kill her, but never mind that, who shaved his pubic hair when he was in a coma?

The kids aren’t alright.

Rick leaves the hospital and makes his way home, but finds his family aren’t there. Oh, he does find a dildo though, and it was such a funny scene that I nearly clawed my own eyes out. We now join Shane and Lori in a tent necking, but then Carl, who’s about 25, disturbs them. I think the actor playing Carl is going for the retarded kid gimmick and I can see this annoying me a lot, nearly as much as the lad who plays actual Carl in the series. Sophia joins them, but Lori kicks them out and before leaving, Sophia steals a dildo. Carl and Sophia, who’s carrying a doll around with her for effect, go to another tent, and just when they’re about to get down to it, Andrea walks past and disturbs them by shouting “Great, even the kids are getting more action than me!” Kids? I think I better go read that disclaimer again just to be doubly sure.

After Andrea tells the others that she’s turned lesbian and she’s been chopping off zombie’s cocks to use as dildos, a load of zombies infiltrate them and eat Sophia. Next we see Daryl Dixon, who looks too weedy to be a porn star, let alone every lady’s favourite hot-headed crossbow killer, destroying a load of zombies. At one point he shoots a woman zombie in the head, but the arrow is obviously just lodged in her bouffant. Sorry film, I don’t care how low budget and lazy you are, I’m not letting you get away with that one. Daryl finds his way to a campervan where he kills a man zombie, then has sex with two women zombies for fifteen minutes before killing them with his jism. Oh yeah, this is the last that we see of him in the whole film.

That’s right ladies, it’s your favourite hunk!

For some reason, Lori, Shane, Andrea and Carl head back to the Grimes household and after about a minute of being there, Lori starts wondering where Sophia is, claiming she thought she was right behind her. Like, she didn’t notice the whole time it took to get there that she was missing? This is bad even for porn! Shane tells Carl that she’s probably turned into a zombie and so basically, he’ll have to have mouth sex with her to kill her. Carl seems upset by this in a dumb acting way and Shane and Lori go into the bedroom to have sex. Rick then walks in and immediately hugs Carl as the pornstar playing Andrea fails to look emotional. He then enters the bedroom to see Shane and Lori at it. Obviously disappointed by this, Rick punches Shane and they have a crap fight until Lori splits them up and asks for a truce. They agree and have a twenty five minute threesome.

Afterwards, Shane gets all jealous and points his gun at Rick so Lori shoots him. Upon leaving the bedroom, Andrea tells them that Carl has a high temperature and she volunteers to go to a hospital to find some medicine. After she leaves, Carl asks his parents if he can go and look for Sophia, and even though he’s supposed to be ill, they agree because she promised him sex. I don’t even know at this point if it’s meant to be this sick, or it’s just very misjudged humour, as well as being about as funny as having ebola injected into your eye with a rusty chainsaw. We’re treated to a campy gore scene as a group of zombies chomp on some bikers guts as Andrea walks past them using the “cover myself in zombie blood” technique, but as she makes it into the hospital they clock that she’s fresh meat and go after her. Just when it looks like she’s about to be eaten to death, Michonne walks in and saves her. Eventually they lez up and Michonne too leaves never to be seen again.

Yeah, Andrea’s wig isn’t distracting me in any way.

Twenty minutes later, Andrea has met up with Rick, Lori and Carl, and there’s absolutely no mention of the medicine she went to the hospital to get. On the hunt for Sophia, they get trapped by a horde of zombies, but guess who’s there to open a door and save them, that’s right, it’s Glenn. He takes them up to the rooftop and that’s where they find Sophia. It’s truly anyone’s guess why she’s up there, but the inevitable happens, the “kids”, Carl and Sophia, have sex as Rick and Lori, proud parents that they are, offer encouragment from the side. Seriously, the less said about these events the better. After Carl jizz kills Sophia, Rick gives him his hat and they make their way off the rooftop. At some point the group capture a couple of female zombies and the film ends with a gangbang. As confusing as this gets, I’m pretty sure Carl and Lori don’t get involved with each other, so I think we’re okay there.

Well that was pretty much what I expected, low budget, unfunny, unsexy and unhorrory. Yeah, it was complete rubbish. I suppose I have to try and find some good points, but it’s really hard. It had zombies I guess. You know what though? I think I’m done with this whole zombie resurgence stuff now. I mean porn zombie parodies? This film has officially put me off zombies for a good while. I guess I’ve just got nothing good to say. Well, the guy who played Rick seemed to really be trying to get his voice right, which was so crap it was almost funny. Almost. I think I’ve just got to accept at this stage that there’s just no good pornographic zombie films out there. This truly is a sad day. Cheers.