Director : Kenneth J. Hall
Stars : Linnea Quigley, Cynthia Garris, Amy Hunt
WARNING : The activities depicted in this video are strenuous and highly physical in nature. They should not be attempted without first consulting your doctor. Since they can also become violent, you might also seek advice from a psychiatrist, clergyman, or criminal attorney. In any case, we accept no responsibility for any harm you do to yourself or to others after viewing this tape. Whatever happens, IT’S NOT OUR FAULT!
So yeah, This is the disclaimer we get at the start of this tape. I wasn’t expecting such a serious warning for the horror based workout I’d selected to partake in after the festive period this year. I found it somewhat unsettling, so went into it with much caution, but within seconds I’d forgotten every word because the first time we meet our instructor, Linnea Quigley, she’s fanny naked in the shower. Of course, it’s not the first time I’ve seen the Quigley jiggly bits as she’s naked in most of her films, particularly “Return of the Living Dead” (1985), where her character, “Trash”, spends about 95% of her screen time in her birthday suit. Still, I wasn’t expecting it at the start of my workout.
Eventually Linnea is clean enough to leave the shower area for the comfort of her living room, where she greets us and talks about some of the films she appeared in such as “Creepozoids” (1987), and she has video clips to prove it. She also displays her impressive acting ability in this scene with such lines as “After a day of being hacked and slashed, I can’t wait to get home and get out of my clothes.” As we cut to a scene of her having sex in a shower. This goes on for about ten minutes as we see clip after clip, but unfortunately, when she alludes to her famous chainsaw dance, we only see a still. At around the twelve minute mark, it seems Linnea is about to start her lesson and I’m feeling confident I can keep pace with her for the next forty eight minutes, well that’s until the first exercise begins.
All of a sudden, without any real warning, we’re faced with Quigley doing full Jean-Claude Van Damme splits and swaying her body from side to side. I’d already given up and decided to sit back and wait for something I could join in with as I watched close ups of Linnea’s chest and buttock region. Her program gets interrupted a couple of times by phone calls, I didn’t really understand what was going on here, I think it was an attempt at humour, and after scolding the audience for masturbating and turning down a film role where she was asked to dress as a chicken, she sets off to give us our next lesson.
The second act starts out with Linnea jogging through some woods dressed in clothes that make the statement, “I’m not quite ready to leave the eighties just yet”, and again, I decide to just watch rather than join in. It all seems to be going well as we get some pretty decent tips on the benefits of jogging until Quigey makes the disastrous decision to take a short cut through her local grave yard. In a shocking turn of events, the deceased rise from their graves and start to follow Linnea home. She doesn’t notice. When she eventually arrives home, the zombies make themselves known and look like they’re about to attack her, is this the end of the horror workout?
Well no, Linea shouts down the zombies about their appearance and makes them join in with her as she does some aerobics around her swimming pool. This is quite a fun scene and Quiggy looks so cute dancing in the middle of a group of flesh eating cadavers, even if it does go on for some time. You know when you hear a tune and it goes on and on until it eventually starts to really grate on you? Well the tune accompanying this routine had the exact opposite effect on me. The more I heard it the more I loved it. I really need to hunt down this soundtrack. So anyway, eventually as the routine is coming to a close, Linnea shouts “Alright, everybody into the pool!” and without hesitation, the zombie’s take heed of their new instructor’s orders, and dive straight in. Well, as we all know zombies can’t swim and are immediately destroyed. She tricked them, ha! Quigley one, mini zombie apocalypse nil.
To celebrate the destruction of the undead, Linnea decides to have a slumber party at her place, where her and four friends watch… a Linnea Quigley film. “Nightmare Sisters” (1988) to be exact and we see a full performance by Quigley singing the rock classic, “Santa Monica Blvd. Boy”. After many minutes and a few more clips of her famous filmography, Linnea and her friends decide to do a workout. I was going to join in at this point, but got distracted when the girls started doing leg stretches and the camera panned across all five of their groin regions. Things were going well until suddenly, there’s a power cut.
Linnea brushes this off and goes to check the fuse box. About three seconds pass and there’s a loud scream from her direction and the rest of the girls are left to wonder what to do. They decide to investigate one at a time. This ends in bloody tears as each girl gets killed one by one by a masked psychopath. Yes, the last twelve minutes of this workout video is a slasher flick, and a pretty decent one too as one girl gets stabbed in the chest about fifty times, another receives a machete to the head, the third gets decapitated and the last drilled through the back. The killer then takes off “his” mask and… well of course it’s Quigley, you know what she’s like by now, she’s gone and killed her best friends because they ate all the popcorn during the film. Linnea then cooks and eats her victims before a blooper reel plays and the end credits roll.
Honestly, if I bought this VHS back in the early nineties for twenty quid, I wouldn’t have been in anyway disappointed. There’s really not much to this, but I dunno, there’s a certain charm to it and Linnea Quigley is certainly a fun person to watch for an hour, and obviously she’s not too harsh on the eyes either. It’s very much more than I expected from a horror based workout video, it could of gone one way or the other, but with it’s cheesy dialogue, sexy workouts and gory slasher ending, it just works. Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout is a success!