Porno Holocaust (1981)

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Director : Joe D’Amato

Stars : George Eastman, Dirce Funari, Annj Goren, Mark Shannon

IMDb

A group of castaways wash ashore on a deserted island and are unaware that a sex-crazed monster is also there. He attacks and rapes several of the women, who die horrible deaths because his sperm is radioactive. The survivors must find a way to either escape the island or kill the monster.

Porno Holocaust was the name of my first band. Well it was for about ten minutes until the drummer suggested that “Cafe Bitch” might be a better name. The bassist agreed. I tried to fight my cause but it was two against one and our new name was set in stone. I tried to carry on through the disappointment but the struggle was futile and I left a week later, even though we were touted as being the next Altered Images. I did this via text blaming artistic differences. Some of this story is true.

Are they getting on the boat yet?

Are they getting on the boat yet?

At this point you might be wondering why I’m talking about a band I was in when I was about fourteen and you may also be wondering when I’m going to get to the point. Well multiply that feeling by a hundred and you’ve got my thoughts on the first seventy minutes of Porno Holocaust. I mean, read the synopsis I stole from IMDB, it makes it sound like a horror classic. Well believe me when I say.. it’s very not. It’s not even near Joe D’Amato’s usual standards. Well I say usual, I’ve only seen a small percentage of his work and no wonder, he made sixteen films in 1995 alone, and released eight in 1999 even though he died in January of that year. Impressive.

The film opens with the semi-famous eighties Italian porn star Mark Shannon driving a jeep with what can only be described as the funkiest tune the world has ever experienced blaring over the title sequence. Seriously, this tune is the equivalent to putting on a James Brown record, speeding it up to a hundred RPM, and using a syringe filled with PCP and Italian synths as the needle. It’s that funky. Sorry if some of these words are nonsensical, but I’ve just spent the last hour and fifty minutes watching Porno Holocaust.

The world famous back licking scene.

The world famous back licking scene.

So yeah, forty five minutes and three hardcore porn scenes later, we get to the island where the horror element of this schlock-a-thon is supposed to take place. Okay, I’ll briefly mention the porn scenes. The first is a bizarre lesbian scene with an unsettling amount of back licking. The second is the back licking lesbian getting it on with two black guys, and the third involves our heroes Mark Shannon and his very recent lady friend, played by Lucia Ramirez, on a beach.

So on the island things aren’t exactly picking up as there’s yet another two or three (I honestly lost count at this stage through depression) sex moments. Now I’m no expert on shooting a porn film (surprised?), but I’m pretty sure there’s a rule that you’re taught early on in porn school that you should never have two sex scenes involving the same people in the same film. Well D’Amato must have been absent that day as the lesbians go at it again on a log and our heroes once again have a sex off. However, there’s someone, or something watching from the bushes.

Oh dear.. Maybe you should have just stuck to the porn.

Oh dear.. Maybe you should have just stuck to the porn.

So like I said, it takes an hour and ten minutes for the actual horror to begin and to see the zombie or whatever it’s supposed to be for the first time. It’s at this point I realised all hope was lost and the disappointment I experienced in the build up to this moment will carry on for the next forty minutes, mainly because the zombies make up is total arse. Well that was the first time I watched it anyway. I’ve just watched it a second time for the sake of a review. Why do I do this to myself?

Without spoiling the ending, for some reason the zombie takes a shine to Ramirez and she just kind of hangs out with it for a while, so Shannon get’s it on with the back licking lesbian. Whyyyyy? Actually, I am going to spoil the end. It’s not as if any normal person is looking forward to seeing an Italian zombie based shag flick filmed thirty three years ago. The zombie attacks Mark Shannon and Ramirez says something, I can’t remember what, and the zombie just dies or something on the spot. That’s it, not much of a climax, but hang on, we’ve got five minutes left, time enough for a third round of sexy time with our heroes. I’m sure Shannon will produce a proper climax now. Eventually a ship comes and they’re saved. The end.

The best way I can sum up Porno Holocaust is by stating it’s the only hardcore porn film I’ve seen all the way through twice, and both times been fully clothed.

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25 Responses to Porno Holocaust (1981)

  1. Pingback: The Walking Dead: A Hardcore Parody (2013) | Damian Thomas Films.. Etc

  2. Wow, that sounds atrocious. You really suffered for your art here 🙂

  3. emmakwall says:

    The IMDB summary makes it sound like a weekend in Magaluf.

    Hilarious write up as always! You’re so funny and dry 🙂 I actually kind of liked hearing about the discretion over your old band’s name…….. (you would have got my vote)

  4. vinnieh says:

    Something tells me I don’t have the balls to watch this, looks a bit too brutal for me.

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